BabyCakes NYC: Frosting Party! from BabyCakes NYC on Vimeo.
Babycakes NYC is some sort of super-healthy cake shop. I think maybe it’s gluten and dairy free? Meanwhile, at my local coffee shop, I had to explain to the new hire what an espresso was. Life’s not fair, I tell you. Why can’t small towns in rural Bedfordshire have lunk-headed populaces, racist local papers, AND gluten-free coffee shops?
So unfair.
I should be writing my NaNoWriMo novel right now, but I’m finding it hard. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you about my scribblings; the reason I’m finding it hard is because it was a year ago that I went into hospital. That was the start of the trail of events that led me back to my hometown, Biggleswade, where I am forced to visit the five coffee shops.
That hospital trip a year ago saved my life, and I am eternally grateful to certain individuals who bundled me into a taxi and made me go to hospital. However, the illness itself was so severe that I have only now just come off the medications I was put on, and it will still be a long time until I am well enough to 
work. Because of this illness, I now live 250 miles away from nearly all of my friends.
Like I said, it’s been a year now. That year has been a long time for anybody in Newcastle; they’ve all been busy, and where I’ve been watching Star Trek: Enterprise re-runs in my pyjamas, they’ve been working hard. I have had literally nothing to fill my time this year, and anything I have done has tended to make me exhausted… leading to more time on the couch in my jimmy-jams.
Let’s just say I have high hopes of completing NaNoWriMo this year.
One of the pieces of advice that NaNoWriMo headman Chris Baty recommends working in a coffee shop, where you can pick up interesting stories about characters. This is completely not the case in Biggleswade, where there are an amazing five coffee shops within two minutes walk of each other. It’s like a vortex of coffee, but not in a good way!
The mystery of the five coffee shops is that none of them are particularly good. I cringe when I write this, because I expect my favourite shop – the one on the corner, that used to be an off-license where I used to work – to find this humble blogpost 
and beat me round the ear next time I pop in. However, I would like to assure them that they are much better than the rest, especially the small one on the other side of the town square, who made me a coffee so bad that I almost couldn’t finish it.
I miss my old life in Heaton when I think about this. I miss being able to bump into people I knew and liked in local coffee shops. I miss being able to have conversations with people about the things we liked, such as art. And coffee. I’ve tried to get to events ’round here, but they are too few and far between and to hard to get to – there just
isn’t much to do without resorting to going into London, which is extremely tiring and quite alienating.
I’ve worked out it’s going to take me at least another year or two here before I can leave. I’ll need to work, and save up a war-chest, in a town which doesn’t value any of my skills apart from “could lift heavy boxes” (the Bedfordshire region does not need any trained gallery assistants). Maybe by the time I can leave this mangled idea of a town, I’ll have managed to solve the mystery of the five coffee shops.
Until earlier this week I had a dream of running away to Buenos Aires, but even the foreign office advises against that now. In that case, perhaps the traditional thing to do would be join the foreign legion. Perhaps they have an artist’s squadron I could join, where I can sit around drinking espressos and smoking gaulette’s with fine-honed military precision, drilled into me by fierce sculptor-sergeants.
Newcastle blogger Alex Bettylou wrote this review of her favourite coffee shop, after I asked her to do something along those lines. I was a little surprised at her choice of venue, but like my girlfriend says, I’m a snobby snob snob snob, so I’ve got some exacting opinions about coffee shops.
So, with those five rules, where do I give the ‘snobby snob snob snob’ seal of approval?
First prize has to go to the cafe at the end of Saville Row. It’s run by a french guy, the coffee is super-strong, and the cakes are amazing tartlets and other things. Sadly, the sandwiches are lacking, but the coffee makes up for it. Do have: the latte. Avoid: the cheaper baguettes. Never had the cooked food there, so
A second seal of approval goes to the new coffee shop round the back of Grainger market. It’s really new, and has a large deli counter, but has the advantage of great coffee and amazing sandwiches. Also great for people-watching, as the hoi polloi emerging from the Black Garter and other pubs in that area are just… staggering. Literally.
Moving out of the town centre, and into Heaton/Byker, there are a trio of coffee shops worth mentioning. And I can actually remember their name, which is unusual for me (see above). Heaton Perk, on Heaton Park road, actually has good, dependable free wifi. Around the corner, you’ll find Belle and Herbs and the vegetarian Sky Apple Cafe. Belle and Herbs does crap coffee but the food (have the waffles!) is great. Sky Apple Cafe does good coffee, and occasionally some blisteringly nice cakes.
I’ve avoided the usual Costa/Starbucks cafe’s in this list, but there are some that are better than others. Independant retailers are usually a lot more interesting though, and ones I’ve not mentioned could include the Scrumpy Willow & the Singing Kettle (run by hippies, all organic) the Lit and Phil counter (free biscuits, and in a library) and the Oven Door (pictures of Norman Wisdom). I’m sure I’ve forgotten some great places, but just think of this a list of hints. For fellow snobby snob snob snobs.
